Last night I was cooking dinner and the reminder that saturday was the day our old mare was being put down became to much for this mommy to bare. I finished preparing dinner and told my husband I needed some time at the barn with Copper. I cried the entire way to the barn. When I got there at first I couldn't go in her stall. I just felt so guilty I couldn't face her. I got my daughters new show horse and rode him bareback around the arena for what felt like hours. Every time I went around the arena where Copper was I just watched her from the distance. When I was finally ready to face her I went into her stall and could only say how sorry I was. I just kept apologizing to her. I felt like I had failed her. I felt like I should have done more for her. I realize there was nothing more that I could do. When God calls his animals home there is nothing we can do to stop it. But it still didn't stop the overwhelming amount of guilt I felt. She was just eating her grain and had no idea what the next day held.
Before I left the barn I cut a chunk of her mane and tail off. I wanted to keep it to make something for my daughter. It took me over 30 minutes to make the final move towards my car. I would walk towards the door and turn back. The last time when I walked back to her stall she was looking at me and I knew it was ok. She just had a look of understanding.
When I got home my daughter and I talked about what an awesome horse she has been. If it wasn't for our Copper, Maddie wouldn't be living her dream like she is. Copper has been a huge blessing to our life. She's been our friend, my counselor, Maddie's teacher, Brysen's playmate and a loyal part of our family.
My dad came and got her this morning to take her to the vet. I just couldn't do it. We have to go to the barn today and clean out her stall and get all her stuff together. It's going to be a hard day.
A friend reminded me last night that there are horses in heaven. In the book of Revelations Jesus and his army come riding in on horses. Copper may not be the white horse out front carrying Jesus, but she'll be carrying one of soldiers.